Today I took my son to school. I kissed him and hugged him. I let him know that I will be there to pick him up. I assured him that I work hard for him. He already knows all this. I tell him everyday.
Today I felt the void that my son feels in his life. Today I realized that I am just not enough. While I love him with all my heart, I am just that- one heart. He used to be loved by two hearts. No matter how much I love on him, I cannot kiss both cheeks at once, hug him with four arms, or cuddle with him on both sides.
Today I must be strong for him. My face must stay dry and my eyes must stay focused. I must listen when he talks and show that I understand. He tries to stay strong for me too. Who is there for us if we can't be strong? Who picks up Mommy at the end of the day?
Today, I cry, hard, on the inside. My mind wanders. My thoughts travel at light speed. My heart is heavy with stabbing pangs of guilt but I will wear a smile. If anyone asks, I will say that I'm fine. . . but no one will ask. No one has called in a while. If anyone were to ask what I accomplished today, I will list tasks of importance and never mention how hard they were to complete.
Today, just like every other day, I accept the fact that I am not a perfect parent. Normally, I just tell myself to learn from my mistakes and move on to better things. This time is different, however. This time I promised my son something without having the ability to deliver on that promise. He went from not wondering to ecstatically hoping. When I failed, my son's heartbreak and my nightmares won't let me forget. To move on, do I try to fix what happened? Do I just apologize? Do I, can I stop it from happening ever again? I've never claimed to have all the answers. No parent does. . . but this. . . I need the answer.
Today, I pray and ask for forgiveness. . . and wisdom. . . and strength I can't possibly hope to possess. Today I ask God to be my other half and give my son all he needs. I go through my internal dialogue, again, arguing about how he would be better with someone else. . . with me. . . with someone else. . . he needs me. . . right? Or do I need him more? Am I selfish? Am I selfless? God, I suck at this. . . but I'm the best shot he has at making it through this life.
Today, he will still love me, even though I have hurt him. Today, he will still smile and he will forgive me. Today, he will chose to hide his unhappiness and show me his best. He will show me the forgiveness and wisdom and strength I need. Today he will lead and I will follow. I have raised a man. . . at five years old.
Thursday, February 4, 2016
I have been on birth control most of my life. I have been given the pill, the shot, Nuva ring, and now I have an implant. I have rarely if ever had my own health insurance. Medicaid paid for 80% of my prescriptions. Now with mandated Obamacare, I have a hard time imagining women not having access to birth control via a provider.
Texas recently defunded Planned Parenthood. Texas also, allegedly, experienced a spike in birth rates. People are blaming Texan politicians and the "lack of access to birth control and/or abortions for low-income women."
Seriously?? If you can't afford babies, then don't make babies, i.e. stop having unprotected sex! If you can't get your birth control from Planned Parenthood, go see a OB/GYN! Medicaid will pay for it (see my first paragraph)! Get a prescription! Medicaid will pay for it! Don't blame your lack of birth control on Planned Parenthood's lack of state tax money.
Still can't afford birth control? ...can you afford condoms? Usually they are free at a health department. Still no? Don't have sex! Birth control is way cheaper than raising a kid or even getting an abortion. Take responsibility for your sexual behaviors. Don't rely on men to provide condoms. Buy your own or use something else. Not sure how to use other non-condom barrier methods? GO READ A BOOK AND GET EDUCATED.
I'm pro-choice. I believe that I, a woman, have choices when it comes to birth control. I choose when and how I have sex. I choose to look at my bank account prior to popping out babies! I don't believe it's the tax payer's choice to fund my abortion nor my child that I couldn't afford in the first place! I choose to be educated about my reproductive health and accept responsibility for my adult decisions.
I don't need Jesus to tell me children are miracles. I have met those people waiting for children to adopt, fostering other people's children, and fundraising to bring their adoptee home. If I did need Jesus' instruction, He would tell me to read about Hannah, 1 Samuel Chapter 1. If any woman will break your heart about children, Hannah is the one.